I’ve been wanting to do updates here for the last few days but don’t know where to start, so I’ll just start where I am.
The last two months have been hard- a lot of depression and anxiety, which isn’t fun to write about, to go back and look at from journal entries, or even explain in any way that makes sense. And hard to admit that I was in such a dark place.
It’s easy, looking back, to see how dark it was back there but at the same time I kind of feel like I am protecting myself from remembering that place. Now that the light is coming in again it’s hard to remember how much that depression hurt and dulled my senses.
But the other day I went for a swim at the rec centre.
And I only did 10 laps.
And that took me half an hour.
And I was winded and sore and realized how out-of-shape I am.
And it felt marvelous. It was exactly what I needed.
It wasn’t really the exercise part that was the point of it yesterday, but just to get out and do something. Looking back at this past winter I am starting to realize that I have seasonal affective disorder- that darkness (in the world from the winter season, and inside me) that made watching tv and staying inside my house the most I could accomplish on days off from work.
I also started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago. I had forgotten how much that helps- talking, opening up about myself, my fears, my stressors. Being reminded about things outside myself…
And I also reconnected with the volunteer group I used to work with. I stopped volunteering when I was diagnosed, it seemed like too much to handle with work and such huge lifestyle changes. But I feel ready to go back now.
It’s spring here in the Kootenays. Finally. We had a long, hard winter this year. It’s a cold, rainy spring but things are starting to grow, the days are finally feeling brighter and longer.
Not gonna lie, not gonna try and cheese it up and make this all feel-goody to end this post. Things aren’t perfect.. they’re better… that darkness is still there.
But now there’s a little light coming in too…
