Month: October 2015

October 30

(I wrote this entry in my journal during a crash, I wanted to try and explain how it feels.)

There is a quiet, shaky voice in my head, an alarm and the glucometer says 2.8mmol. Then that lonely distance with the shaking and sweating. Faraway. Brain screams for sugar and erases logic. Can’t think to turn the stove down. Change into my boots to go get sugar out of the car before remembering honey in the cupboard. Walk around the kitchen in boots with spoon of honey, no direction, before I make myself sit.
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Now an hour later, my BG is over 8 but I am worn out and still a little brain-foggy.
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Making my life better for me is the most important thing right now.
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Gave my notice at one job today. Relief? Holy fuck. I quit my job today.

October 29

Diabetic team meeting this morning. Went well but I feel (and felt, going in) completely overwhelmed. Wish tears didn’t make my eyes red – I’ve been leaking all day… Feel embarrassed that everything feels overwhelming, that I can’t keep up… I want to go home, I can’t handle things. How much help can I ask for? How much time can I have, to adjust or mourn or be overwhelmed? I need help. I need time. I need more time for me.

October 25

Awake at 5a.m. BG 12.2. What?! Somehow I have no days off this week, which makes me want to cry.
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It’s that disconnect, that’s why I’m trying to work all the time, so I don’t have to be alone with myself. That’s why I disappear into tv-land when I do have days off. I need to get my life back. I need to start living.

October 24

Making tea. Tired. Woke up late so now all the insulin will be late? Can’t do supper late and I don’t feel like eating now. Headache from sleeping heavy. Feel run over.

I feel like I’m just going through the motions- my brain can’t think anything… I’m overwhelmed and can’t even cope with basic stuff right now. I really do feel alone in all this. I need help.
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When it’s low but not bad, but low enough that it could drop overnight, I just feel like going to bed. My brain is saying don’t do that but my body is tired and really convincing- oh, it’s fine, I won’t drop overnight.
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Evening shifts I feel like I have to combat my BG with food. I’m overeating a lot it seems, because I’m having low-ish numbers a lot more. And I’m working too much.

October 22

So how do I manage sometimes? This is why it feels overwhelming – shift at the nursing home and get a call that a resident is on the floor and as I am striding down the hall to her room I get the hollow feeling and start sweating. We get her in bed and then I allow myself to go check my BG. (Yes, I know I said my first priority should be me…)

So, I’m 3.8, downing dextabs and shaking and sweating and shoving trail mix in my mouth – oh and I can’t think clearly and have to go back down and do vital signs for my resident.

How do I balance? How do I make it work? I don’t know and it’s frustrating.

October 20

This is what crashes feel like for me…

I’ve started to notice the subtle shaky feeling. It’s an internal shakiness and at the same time I can’t concentrate or write properly or think clearly. (Like right now, typing is very difficult, making my fingers hit the right letters is complicated).

Then the blood glucose check. Today’s was 3.8mmol. Then I panic a bit, and that doesn’t help. And usually I feel a little drunk – chatty and clumsy and kinda stupid so setting up the glucometer can be hard.

So, in goes the sugar at that point. 4 or 5 lifesavers, 3 or 4 dex tabs, or honey or sugar or whatever you have. Then recheck and if it’s going up have a protein snack. (Although today I had my sugar and immediately followed it with toast and peanut butter.) Now it is back up to 5.6mmol. I’m still shaky and getting a bit of a headache. Will have a bit more protein- cheese or pb or something. The crash is tiring, I mean, I can still function after but my body needs to recharge.

That knife edge of 5-8mmol is a tricky place to stand. I haven’t woken up with a crash, or had one in the middle of the night- the idea of that scares me enough so that I always check before bed and make sure it’s above 8mmol.

Still have the wobbly, shaky/buzzing feeling half an hour later.

Now I get to pull myself together and make supper…

October 17

This week my skin hurts.

Each lancet and needle, I feel tender. I cringe and take a deep breath.

My skin aches with the thought of one more time. This week my skin hurts.

Tired of bruised fingers, from each glucometer check. Each one, I cringe and have to take a deep breath.

And then the dosing. My skin aches with the thought of one more time. I feel my body could start weeping from all these tiny holes.

And it goes on and I measure my days by this. And I measure my life with this.

I am thankful, gracious for the ability to manage it, but this week my skin aches.

October 11

Drove down to the Okanagan to visit my dad- scary to do on my own but I did it!!

Started talking to him about diabetes stuff. This evening we both had a crash at the same time and both to 2.9. Then after our sugar and snack both retested to 6.4. I felt like he was holding back talking but having the crash together kind of ‘broke the ice’- we were jittery and shaky together.