Living with Diabetes 1.5
Why has my BG been diving the last 4 days around 5am? It’s super frustrating.
Have been feeling guilty about testing extra lately. The ‘extras’ have mostly been overnight and early morning. Even though with my health plan I have more leeway, I always think about the government restrictions (when only receiving Fair Pharmacare etc.) of ‘3000 strips a year’, which is such total bullshit.
I have another ingrown toenail- same toe as always. Getting pretty tired of it.
Another morning low. 3.0 at 5:30am. Maybe I’ll pull back to 5 of the lantus tonight. HAving juice now. Need more sleep.
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Low midday but higher this evening. Will check overnight tonight. Stayed with the 5.5 lantus.
Tomorrow is World Diabetes Day and I just found out the ‘theme’ this year is a focus on women and diabetes.
Cool. I’m a woman, and I have diabetes!
So, here I am, eating toast at 7:30pm and shaking just a bit.. yes, the shakes are from an “almost” low I had nearly an hour ago and it wasn’t even really low, it was only 4.6. However, that was before the 15 minute walk home from work up a fairly steep incline. (Just so you know, 25g of chocolate got me home with a BG of 6.2).
…anyway… I am eating my toast because I just did my lantus dose and can’t trust going to bed at a 6.2 and I got to thinking about what diabetes means to me.
So what does it mean to me?
I don’t know sometimes.
It means I have a chronic illness but I also have to remind myself that it does not define who I am (no matter how much of my time it takes up).
It means I do math all the time. Like, literally- All. The. Time.
It means sometimes I can’t control the cranky, worried, spaced-out feelings without having to manage the high or a low that brought them on.
It means I am always learning about this disease and about myself.
It means I know how good I feel when I exercise.
And being a woman with diabetes?
I am so thankful to be living where I am and where I have access to proper healthcare.
I know the night sweats that sometimes wake me up could be because of a low BG, but could also be because of where I am in my menstrual cycle.
I know that sometimes I fall victim to trying to fit into society’s ideal of what a “healthy” woman ‘should’ look like, even though it’s bullshit.
So, what do I picture when I think of my diabetes?
Yes, yes, all the usual lancets and needles and test strips… and gouging my way into the new peanut butter to make that ‘carb and protein’ snack to stabilize me.
… but also just the normal stuff. Like sitting at a messy kitchen table with my laptop, while my cat tries to get my attention.
But these are the most important things I know:
I know I am strong.
I know I am alive.
Extra day off today. Was supposed to be going to a CPR course day but it got cancelled so I’m going to go out for lunch with a friend. It’s been nice having a three-day weekend this week, lots of time to rest and write and think.
Also, I’ve been exploring some of the diabetes related podcast out there. It really helps. It feels like a connection to others that ‘get it’. It also is reminding me again that it’s ok. It’s all ok. It’s ok to say it’s hard and be vulnerable when I need to be, to be honest with others and more importantly with myself.