Month: January 2016

The needle slides into my skin, I feel it puncture and pinch. I anticipate it every time. A deep breath every time.

But I don’t feel instant relief. I don’t feel any change. Nothing sudden to make me know it’s working.
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3 cookies before lunch and BG at lunch is 26.9! Fuck! 4units of correction with lunch. Not being at work I am not moving around as much… and not as stressed.
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I want to eat but I know I’m not really hungry, I’m bored and stressed about stuff. Have already been told that I am barely working enough to keep my health benefits and now might have to miss Monday to deal with cat at the vet.

It’s total bullshit that I am terrified of missing work so I don’t lose my health insurance. So fucked. Feel like I am barely living a life now.

I had 2 beers last night and then a crappy sleep. Now I am on a borderline low (4.8). Yep, my new insulin dependent body doesn’t do booze very well. Probably for the best.

It’s the first day of my week off! It’s a ‘vegging’ sort of day. Tea and toast and maybe a nap later…

Head pounding since before I woke up and I feel slightly nauseous. Just got my pay stub, which will cover rent, but then estimate next one will only be maybe a third of that… I’m so fucked I don’t even know what to do with myself. My income this month is less than double my rent. Rent is almost 2/3 of it and that’s not even including utilities.

I don’t know what to do. I’m fucked and I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do. Go back to exhaustion working 2 jobs? I know I am getting out of this lease in a few months but… I thought I could do this. I thought things were gonna be way different.

I’m scared I’m not going to be able to find an affordable place to live. I am trying to stay open-minded about changes but I am also holding on so hard because I am watching everything fall apart and I can’t do anything to stop it right now. How can I have even small daydreams of where I want my life to be when I can’t even support myself right now. I had myself set up for this big, wonderful (scary) change- new job opportunities and new places to live and now 4 months in I feel desperate and alone and overwhelmed.

I do blame the diabetes, or my body’s own betrayal of itself, of me. I only have me and the body I am relying on is now saying it can’t work as hard and definitely isn’t able to keep up with the work schedule I had in the summer.

Got my test results – A1C is 7.3 now!! So happy, so amazed by insulin! So proud of my body for responding so well to it.

Good day today – relaxed, made soup, exercised – and that felt great! Good and tiring and endorphins rushing!!

I feel like I quit the wrong job. That even though this one has more security (steady work, health benefits) I was better at the other one and they actually cared about me.

I’ve been kind of slack lately- not being very strict with my food- overeating and having sugar and therefore letting my BG run high. I have to remember to call the doctor’s office tomorrow and see if they have my A1C results yet. I’m hoping it’s gone down but I’m imagining around 12.

I talked to my landlady today – we came to an agreement about the lease – I will stay ’til the end of April instead of August. Such a relief!! I feel like I can breathe a little.