Month: September 2015

I’m tired. I mean, my energy is better but tired of thinking, tired of my eyes being shitty (readjusting, I guess). I’m not ready to be at work but I need to pay rent. I’m tired. I want to cry and I almost do, many times a day, and then I shut it down.

I am coping really poorly. I am double booking myself and not really giving a shit.

I’m having 2 toasts tonight, even though my BG is 13.9!!
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It’s ok to say no, especially right now. I need to drop a few shifts- don’t feel like I’m coping well. Feel like I’m about to cry but can’t.

Still surprises me a bit that I have to do injections everyday. This is my morning routine now. Measure and dose before eating. First work day, glad it’s at the clinic, tomorrow’s gonna be harder…
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I walk around and no one sees it, no one knows it.
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One massage (went in at 7.6mmol). Shakey and fumbly halfway through. 5.7 after – a half sandwich and half granola bar, still feel shakey after 30 mins. I know 5 is normal but not for me yet. Fuck I hate this. How long ’til I feel normal? Glad I have a no-show now and then 2 more and then I’m done…
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BG stayed below 10. Drove to Kokanee for a walk on the beach before I drove home. Measured bowl of chips and dip at 3:30pm then BG 18 at 5:30pm. After chips?? That’s fucked!!

(I had yet to learn about Fat/Protein Units). 

Woke up with some determination so this morning I’m gonna try and get stuff done.
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So, drove to town BG 9.8 at lunch, which I ate just before. Driving, groceries and a walk from the mall to Reo’s dropped it to 5.6. Snack (fruit and nuts) and a drive home. 7.6 when I got home. That’s all where it should be but it freaked me out a bit ‘cuz that’s the lowest I’ve seen it.
Noticed my eyes are so clear!! I feel a bit wobbly and unfocused, can’t concentrate, but awake!! So strange and interesting.
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Did a lot today, compared to the last few days- town groceries, movies, supper. Tomorrow gonna try getting up a bit earlier- am nervous for early Saturday shift and then even earlier Sunday at ML. Going to try and do lots of food prep before then. It’s been really eye opening working with the food guide and seeing how much I was over-eating. Although I still do feel hungry all the time, my brain is doing better at getting my body to listen. Really want to go for a good walk tomorrow. Feeling more confident with the glucometer and gaining confidence with the injections.

Can I not think about food or my BG for 5 minutes??! Fuck!
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Will I ever feel less careful? When will I not worry every time I eat or walk or work?
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What am I doing? What about work and life?
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My brain can’t focus. All I am thinking about is food. I’m hungry! My BG are almost always around 10 – I shouldn’t feel hungry all the time. All I want to do I eat! How do I get past this place?
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Feeling overwhelmed and don’t know what to do with myself – don’t know where to start. Flaked out all day. OK, tomorrow you need to start doing stuff- 3 more days ’til work starts.

Doctor stopped in – discharge orders are in. I have to meet with the diabetic clinic nurse first and then I can go. He wrote up a prescription for all the insulin and stuff so I can fill that and do a bit of shopping before I head home.  🙂
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This is my new life now, not a barrier but a challenge. Recognizing my new relationship with food and that my body is a temple (a little bit of a messy one!) but one that needs love and attention and it will shelter me.
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I don’t work again until Saturday. left a message at the clinic to cancel Wednesday, just waiting for nurse. Hoping it’s soon but worried about lunch vs discharge vs insulin… It’ll be interesting to see how I do at home… all my roommates here on the window side of the room want the partition curtains closed- it’s like being stuck on the isle seat of a plane.
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Home. Did lunch and supper on my own. BG 9.0mmol at 9pm, then snack and gonna check it at 11pm. I want to sleep in but worried I need to get up and get next dose. The thing that bothered me once I got home was waiting for food- I was watching the clock, waiting for the next meal. I used to graze and now I have to pay attention and eat at a more regular schedule. Tired but my brain feels clearer. We’ll see how I am after a good night’s sleep in my own bed. Don’t want to fall back into old habits- going to try really hard- this is a big deal, a lifestyle change, a life change.

Fasting is 16.3 this morning. higher than yesterday but I’ll be getting the sliding scale for all three meals today, not just lunch and supper. Doctor just in and going to increase my humulin by 1u so I am getting 5u am and 5u pm (with breakfast and supper). He might change what the Novorapid need is but we’ll see today. He said I may get to go home tomorrow, after he checks in with me again and I see the Diabetic Nurse. Yay! Home! OK, so all my questions today…
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I might take the rest of the week off. Definitely need to call about tomorrow but also considering Wednesday. I’d like to have my foods/meds/home under control before I dive back into work. Yes, I’ll have Tuesday but it’s hitting me now how big of a deal this is- really learning how my food and energy needs effect each other. Working all that out before I get back to work. I’m scared but I’m ready, I think. It’s gonna take more focus than I usually give to myself… I like that the insulin doses have been taken small and slowly- it has helped me not be as afraid.
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So I didn’t have a snack between breakfast and lunch- tired now and a bit fidgety. Snack between lunch and supper, head feels clearer now. Funny too, I feel warmer than usual- not feverish but comfortable warm. Sleep with a thin blanket and not even needing socks, and it’s probably 22 or 23 degrees – I’d still need them overnight, when the room cools off usually.
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12.2 at hs!! Yay! And I am flippin starving!!! Had 1/2 cup potato salad that a friend brought in for me and I want the rest!!!
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I had that 1/2cup and then sat back and thought about it/ really listened to how I felt- tummy’s ok with 1/2cup.

Doctor in (does he ever take time off?) He also feels more comfortable with me being here a couple days. He’s going to adjust the amounts a bit and move to sliding scale for the rapid acting (then I can adjust for exercise and that may also help with not having meals at exactly the same time every day). I asked and he’s pretty certain it’s type 1- that it’s changed this much so quickly (my symptoms) and my suspicions re my diet and exercise over the last 10 days not doing anything to bring it down. I feel less blamey of myself. I know, I know, it’s not my fault but it kinda feels like it. “If I had done things differently” etc. Type 1 is scary though, because, once again my body has decided to stop working properly… I am scared of it but I also feel more empowered. I’m not going to let it rule me. I am taking control of my life and making it work for me. I am doing the things I love, not just working constantly.
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(Reading this now is hard because I am off track and feeling shitty about everything.)
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Anyway, doctor says I am here until at least Monday but he is writing an order that I can go out for day passes between meals, which’ll be good to at least get out for some fresh air… I was gonna say I still feel like all of a sudden I’m gonna wake up ‘normal’, that it was all a mistake. Blood tests (and multiple ones) don’t lie. My sugar is high and I haven’t been doing anything ‘bad’ in 10 days- walking a lot of it and 4 days of cardio. My ketones were at a moderate/ borderline high amount, which means my body was burning off fat and muscle stores instead of using the sugar in my blood. It’s not my fault.
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Started sliding scale dosing at lunch. So, base of 2u Novorapid and then, based on my BG, another 1-3u. Today I was 17.4 before lunch so that meant another 3u of novo, so 5u total at lunch. That’s double what my breakfast fast acting was.
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Tired today. Slept 5-6 hrs but still so sleepy.