July 2016 – Peanut Butter and Toast

July 29

Good ride today! Did the Blewett back road/ 49 Creek hill – hard but not impossible, although I did need to stop a couple times to catch my breath. The ride back was mostly downhill and I had had too much carbs during so when I got back to the car I was 16.4. Panicked a bit. With lunch and correction I was due to take 5 units but after exercise, BG can keep dropping for a bit. I probably should’ve taken 4.5 or even 4 but I didn’t, I took the full 5.

Now 2 hrs later and I just fought off a low of 3.6.

Oops.

July 25

Co-op is hiring. Pay cut but better health coverage, no 12 hr shifts. Possible to live a life outside of work… Is it a good idea?

July 16

I feel overwhelmed. In three weeks I’ll be 41. I don’t feel like I’m coping well with life. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I feel disconnected… I work and then recover from work. How is that a life? I’m depressed and tired. Am I still grieving for my diagnosis? Just writing that makes me feel vulnerable, alone, and then close myself down.
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I probably need counseling. I don’t feel like those last sessions really helped. How would she understand what I was going through? How could she even pretend to understand? Have I actually accepted my diagnosis? Without my acceptance can I really move through to healing?
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I can’t cope because I am trying to cope with the diabetes, that’s why. I’m trying to function like ‘normal’ and the normal I’ve known for 40 years has changed now. It’s hitting me more now because I remember last summer. Even though I didn’t know it at the time, last July was when my body was really beginning to show the symptoms. I remember being tired. Exhausted. Fighting so hard to not fall asleep during work.

July 13

Came home early from work. Coughing and chest tight.
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Being diabetic is hard. It’s actually really fucking hard. But it’s not impossible, I know there’s a lot of diseases and conditions that are challenging too…. There’s a lot more we know about it and a lot of support and support for it. I want to be the best diabetic I can be and not let it dictate my life.

July 11

Hard to handle BG with a cold. Taking extra rapid insulin- full correction part for bolus and back up to Lantus 4.5. Still this morning an hour after eating I was 22.6. I’m even doing bedtime correction dose of rapid. I haven’t been below 10 in three days, mostly around 13.

July 5

So awesome to have BG of 5.8 when it’s time to take Lantus and I am already really fucking full.

July 2

Sometimes it’s so disheartening. Toast and tea for breakfast with 1/2 unit less than full dose and 2 hrs later I’m sleepy and it’s 16.8.

(I often get scared of having a crash so I’ll take a little less insulin than what I’m supposed to… not the best way to do it.)

I want to go back to bed- that’s how tired I am, even though I slept for 8 hrs last night. I know it’s the high BG. I just drank a litre of water. All these things to do today and all I want to do is sleep. And cry. Yesterday was so good, I was doing so good. It’s so frustrating and crazy-making getting used to this. My one change today than other days lately is that I didn’t exercise. I feel like like I already don’t have time today to do everything for the next few days. I can’t manage to do all of it. I can’t manage my life outside of managing my diabetes.
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Toenail infected again. Started soaking it in salt water last night. I was kind of waiting for this to happen because it hasn’t really been ‘better’ I have just been ignoring it…