Month: November 2015

November 30

Counselor this morning. Don’t feel like I need it, feel ‘meh’ today. Start of my very busy December about to begin. Don’t care. Don’t want to go. Want to call in sick and crawl back into bed.
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Felt like I wasn’t really paying attention. Talked about meditation and visualization techniques to get me reconnecting with myself. Part of me says “Yay! I’ll try it” the other part says “Meh. I couldn’t be bothered.” I’m tired and at work now- the first day of 5 in a row. Oh boy.
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Posted a few positive affirmations around the house even though I’m feeling like ‘why bother?’ and I don’t believe I deserve it right now. BG is 12.0 but I’m still gonna do a middle-of-the-night check, it makes me feel safer…

November 15

Well, I was aiming for a high this morning so I could go in to town first thing and do my fasting blood work for my 3 month A1C recheck. BG 12 something at bedtime, 3something this morning. Awesome.
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Made the call to the counseling service, and they referred me to a counselor in town. She should be calling me back in the next day or two. Over ate at supper. Feel bad about myself.
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I had 2 pieces of pb toast an hour ago and now my BG is 7.7. And now I am supposed to do the Lantus. We’ll see how overnight goes. Guess I should eat more? Ok, I’ll do a check overnight and if it’s low in the morning I’ll call the diabetic clinic- see if I should be decreasing Lantus or rapid? We’ll see…

November 13

When I actually stop and think about what’s going on I really do feel like I can’t hang on. I need to call the counseling service… but I’m afraid they’ll say I’m fine and don’t need any help.

I do. I need help. I feel like I’m barely hanging on. I feel like I’m barely maintaining and I don’t care. I want to quit my other job… I feel so disconnected from so much of everything and life is zooming by. I don’t feel comfortable in my job but I’m going tomorrow and Sunday and it sucks and somehow I have to figure out how to make it better.
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I drank some wine tonight. I took 9units of Lantus 90mins ago so now it should’ve peaked at 8.5mmol, right? I really don’t want to wake myself up in the middle of the night… I’m afraid of having a low but I’ve also made myself wake up in the middle of the night every night this week. I don’t want to keep being afraid to sleep. But now that I’ve had the wine I feel like I’ve fucked everything up.
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…gonna do a middle-of-the-night wake up…

November 12

Diabetic clinic meeting – Doctor switching me to Lantus from NPH, once in the evenings. I start it tonight.
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Looking up Lantus and what I need to know about it.

It is more efficient at stabilizing but it’s more expensive so of course, people aren’t started on it first thing. The doctor had to put in a ‘special authority’ submission so I can get coverage for it. So stupid. I don’t understand why people that need meds to live have to pay for them??! It’s not like it’s a choice. I feel like I’m sometimes ‘hardening’ towards ‘healthy’ people. “Oh? Your life is so hard? Now be your own pancreas and do that! Fuck you! ”
And I know that’s terrible to say- everyone has their own problems and journey and pain. I really do try my best to be compassionate and remember that we’re all going through our own thing.