Month: November 2018

Closed tonight and did a temp basal again. Decreased by 20% from 6:30pm to 9:50pm. Am done work at 9:30 and then walk home (around 15mins). I was 7.9mmol at 9:30pm and then 3.4 at 10:10pm. I didn’t have a snack at close but maybe I should next time. Or maybe I’ll decrease basal by 30%.

Low when I was walking back up the hill from buying cat food. I could feel it coming on – sweating, stumbly. It was drizzling and I had my jacket and backpack on and didn’t want to stop and test on wet ground. Kept walking and had 20g as I walked. Was 8.8 when I got to work so must have been low!

Fighting a high since yesterday and so tired of fighting it. Tired of having to do anything about it. I know if I called the nurse we could work on different settings (or I could try looking at it myself) but I don’t want to care right now. I’m tired of having to be ‘on’ all the fucking time.

I cannot be as active on days off as I am on work days- I am exhausted by the time my days off come around. And I know just sitting here isn’t good for me cuz I end up just sitting and waiting for the next time I can eat.

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I am emotional and tired and want (need?) more self-care. Two hours after breakfast and I’m at 17mmol. Was 16 overnight with 1.5u of correction.

T1D adult coffee meetup today. It was good- made some new connections and was really nice to talk to people in similar situations. Then family stuff all afternoon. Tired.

Tonight at work I did a temporary basal rate. Dosed regular for supper then set up a temp. rate to run 20%less for the next 3 hours, finishing at 9:40pm. At 6:40pm my BG was 12.1. 9:30pm was 8.o and then 6.2 when I finished walking up the hill. Sweet! No crashing! Workdays I seem to manage great, and figuring out the temp. rate is really helpful.

Pump failure alarm went off when I was at work, heading on my break. Fuck. Left arm again. So, grab all my gear and head to empty office to change site (because I’m pretty sure no one in the staff room wants to watch that whole procedure).

So, get everything set up at the desk and realize I don’t have an alcohol swab. Think of not cleaning top of vial but also work in a public place and even though the insulin vial is almost always in it’s pouch, there’s no lid on it. Now I am thinking too much about it, need to clean it. It’s all good, I still have time (20min break) so I figure I’ll run up to the first aid kit in the office- there’d be an alcohol swab there. Nope. Back down to the customer service desk. Nope. Argh. Ok, back to staff room, tear my backpack apart and find one.

OK! I head back to the office only to find the door is now locked and my fob that would unlock it is right there on the desk beside all my gear- I can see it through the window in the door. Looking around at my department staff I can see that everyone is busy. I need to borrow a fob off someone, break time is slowly sifting away.

While I’m standing there one of the cashiers calls me over to help them out with something, and of course I go because all the other customer service staff are busy. I am still on my break and time is still ticking away.

Finally, borrow fob from cashier I had helped out and get into office to do the pump change! That was a really long 15mins of my morning. I am stocking up my stash of alcohol swabs tonight.

18.7 after breakfast and still have 1.5 units ‘on board’, according to the PDM. (Insulin on Board means the amount of insulin that is still active in your body from the last bolus). Doing another .5unit, fuck it.

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Finally down to 8.3 at 4:50pm and at work all day. Over 14 all day long. Now it’s 5:05pm and 6.2, so crashing. Great. Fuck.

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So managed to keep it at 6 cuz I didn’t bolus for the 15g I had to walk home from work or the 10g I had at dinner. Been fighting with this for days. I need to call the clinic – maybe higher basal rate on days off?

Slept 10hrs but feel groggy this morning. Cup of tea coming. Sore throat and sneezing but don’t feel ‘sick’.

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Quiet day off. So hard to motivate myself to exercise in the winter when it gets dark out so early. Thinking a lot about what it’s like to have a ‘chronic illness’ today.

How do you explain that you feel let down and broken by your own body when you look ok? When you can act ok? How do you explain that it’s a struggle? How do you explain the pressure you put on yourself to act ‘normal’? I can smile and say ‘fine’ when someone asks me how things are going because it’s easier that trying to explain the tired, foggy-headedness that comes with my BG running high. Or explaining how wound up I am worrying if I ordered supplies on time?

And now with the PDM I am feeling like I have lost that essential skill of calculating everything because it does all the math for me. A lot of the time I feel very unattached to my diabetes, like I have created a distance from it. How do I explain how hard it is to do anything else right now, except manage my own body? How hard it is to clean the house or go out and get groceries? When I have days off I just want to shut right down and shut out the rest of the world. I am exhausted from holding myself up all week. Exhausted from holding myself up by myself.