Head pounding since before I woke up and I feel slightly nauseous. Just got my pay stub, which will cover rent, but then estimate next one will only be maybe a third of that… I’m so fucked I don’t even know what to do with myself. My income this month is less than double my rent. Rent is almost 2/3 of it and that’s not even including utilities.
I don’t know what to do. I’m fucked and I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do. Go back to exhaustion working 2 jobs? I know I am getting out of this lease in a few months but… I thought I could do this. I thought things were gonna be way different.
I’m scared I’m not going to be able to find an affordable place to live. I am trying to stay open-minded about changes but I am also holding on so hard because I am watching everything fall apart and I can’t do anything to stop it right now. How can I have even small daydreams of where I want my life to be when I can’t even support myself right now. I had myself set up for this big, wonderful (scary) change- new job opportunities and new places to live and now 4 months in I feel desperate and alone and overwhelmed.
I do blame the diabetes, or my body’s own betrayal of itself, of me. I only have me and the body I am relying on is now saying it can’t work as hard and definitely isn’t able to keep up with the work schedule I had in the summer.