July 16

I feel overwhelmed. In three weeks I’ll be 41. I don’t feel like I’m coping well with life. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I feel disconnected… I work and then recover from work. How is that a life? I’m depressed and tired. Am I still grieving for my diagnosis? Just writing that makes me feel vulnerable, alone, and then close myself down.
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I probably need counseling. I don’t feel like those last sessions really helped. How would she understand what I was going through? How could she even pretend to understand? Have I actually accepted my diagnosis? Without my acceptance can I really move through to healing?
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I can’t cope because I am trying to cope with the diabetes, that’s why. I’m trying to function like ‘normal’ and the normal I’ve known for 40 years has changed now. It’s hitting me more now because I remember last summer. Even though I didn’t know it at the time, last July was when my body was really beginning to show the symptoms. I remember being tired. Exhausted. Fighting so hard to not fall asleep during work.