Category: Diabetes

May 1

A lot of exercise today- body a bit stiff tonight, feels good. My anxiety level is waaay down too. Still worrying about things but it’s not working me up tonight. In bed just after 9pm. Clean sheets, clean pjs and clean me. So comfy I might never get up!

April 28

Wake up low. 3.1

Low yesterday afternoon/evening. Exercising more and haven’t changed lantus dose yet for exercise days (hard to remember/ think of it the night before when I don’t know how the next day will be).

Dex tabs now. Waiting. Shaky. It’s 6am. Car appt at 9. Still need breakfast, cats need food. Shaky, sick feeling. Long 15mins. Just want to eat everything. No panicking. And last night I still took 5 instead of 4.5 lantus. Ok, 4.5 tonight.

Cold. Just turned up heat. Nauseous.

7 minutes.

Kettle boiling, cats hungry.

6.8mmol.

April 16

I’ve been wanting to do updates here for the last few days but don’t know where to start, so I’ll just start where I am.

The last two months have been hard- a lot of depression and anxiety, which isn’t fun to write about, to go back and look at from journal entries, or even explain in any way that makes sense. And hard to admit that I was in such a dark place.

It’s easy, looking back, to see how dark it was back there but at the same time I kind of feel like I am protecting myself from remembering that place. Now that the light is coming in again it’s hard to remember how much that depression hurt and dulled my senses.

But the other day I went for a swim at the rec centre.

And I only did 10 laps.

And that took me half an hour.

And I was winded and sore and realized how out-of-shape I am.

And it felt marvelous. It was exactly what I needed.

It wasn’t really the exercise part that was the point of it yesterday, but just to get out and do something. Looking back at this past winter I am starting to realize that I have seasonal affective disorder- that darkness (in the world from the winter season, and inside me) that made watching tv and staying inside my house the most I could accomplish on days off from work.

I also started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago. I had forgotten how much that helps- talking, opening up about myself, my fears, my stressors. Being reminded about things outside myself…

And I also reconnected with the volunteer group I used to work with. I stopped volunteering when I was diagnosed, it seemed like too much to handle with work and such huge lifestyle changes. But I feel ready to go back now.

It’s spring here in the Kootenays. Finally. We had a long, hard winter this year. It’s a cold, rainy spring but things are starting to grow, the days are finally feeling brighter and longer.

Not gonna lie, not gonna try and cheese it up and make this all feel-goody to end this post. Things aren’t perfect.. they’re better… that darkness is still there.

But now there’s a little light coming in too…

February 24

Have been sick with flu for last 3 days, BG running high (14-18). Nausea. Mostly rice and applesauce. And ‘new’ glucometer fucked up again. Basically shut down. No low battery sign or anything. I scrounged and found some because it’s after 7pm on a Friday and I live 30 mins from town. Got it working again for tonight.

February 11

Woke up this morning to moonlight, bright and golden on the mountains in the blueness of dawn. Roads will be icy this morning. The moon is sinking behind the clouds now and colours are becoming their own again.

~~

Sometimes I imagine all the holes I have poked in my abdomen and thighs oozing all the insulin back out. And I would be all nonchalant about it, like it happens all the time. ‘Oh sorry, just my injection sites leaking, don’t mind me…’

It’s only been 18mos, imagine all that would ooze out after 50 years?

February 6

Can’t stand myself right now. I’m obsessively either thinking about my fucking BG or about housing. (Landlord came by the other day with eviction notice- family health problems, they need the cabin). I’m sad and angry. I don’t even know what to say. I’m just tired of this.

~~

Trying to stay positive so I should report that A1C is down to 8.0!

~~

BG 17.8 tonight. Did 1.5unit correction. Alarm set for 2am to do a check. Scared about doing a bigger correction like that but also thinking “fuck this, I gotta be brave”.

January 27

Diabetic clinic appt this morning, follow up in 2 weeks.

Nurse gave me a couple of things to try. She want’s to figure out what basal dose I really need (and possibly what time of day?) before we make any changes to the bolus. She asked me to dial back to 4.5 of the lantus for a couple of days, to see if that stops the big drop overnight.

The dietitian also asked my to try out having my carbs in 10g increments- we all laughed at that one- but really, it’s to see if I can bolus for exactly what I am eating. As my ratio is 1unit to 20g, it’s easy to bolus exactly if carbs are divisible by 10. I’ll try it for a few days, as much as I can.

Alarm is set for 2am to check. At 9:15pm it was 8.9. I am not having a snack tonight but I started the lower dose of the lantus.

Want to try and figure this out. Tired of feeling foggy and tired all the time.

January 22

12.9 this morning. Now I’m crying. So tired of fighting with my body. Diabetic clinic visit this week- What’ll they say? Work harder? Fuck. I’m eating really well (sometimes a couple of treats but overall really fucking healthy) and I’ve been exercising 4x/wk for the last 2 weeks.

Ok, so obviously now I see I should’ve done that correction last night (BG 14) but I didn’t want to deal with getting up in the middle of the night to potentially manage a low. I guess there wouldn’t have been one. Fuck. OK, gonna eat and then get on the bike.

~~

6.2 after bike and before drive to work. After that, the rest of the day was over 9 or 10… so tired of this.