Category: Diabetes

Awake at 2:30am trying to be my own pancreas because a BG of 6.1 means I won’t be making it in for fasting bloodwork for my A1C in the morning. Frustrating but it’s ok. I’ll try for Friday morning. I had a bit to eat, even though 6 isn’t that low I don’t want to wake up at 6:30am with it under 4. Tonight I’ll do 4 units of Lantus, instead of 4.5.

I am feeling jaded and broken today. Work is pissing me off and I feel trapped here. And I don’t have the clinic days anymore. I feel totally fucked and trapped. This is not where I wanted things. Last year at this time my life was going in a completely different direction.

I’ve been on the stationary bike for 1/2 hr this morning and I can’t tell you how hard it is this morning. It’s finally stopped raining and I have to go back to work. Right now work, with diabetes, is very hard. I’m tired of counting and tired of worrying. I ate extra this weekend (period, depression, whatever) and of course my BG was high.

It poured rain all day and I watched tv all day. I’m trying not to feel guilty for taking a total down-day. Yes, the exercise makes me feel better but sometimes it’s so much energy to motivate myself.

Well, I just found out the health coverage provider through my work has cut me off of any more prescription coverage. I maxxed out at $1000 with them, the rest of the year will be whatever Fair Pharmacare covers. Makes me think. A lot. If Fair Pharm. is covering me anyway what’s the fucking point staying at a job that’s stressful and exhausting.

I feel like if my only job was to manage my health and my diabetes I could do it properly and efficiently.

I beat my BG down to 5.8 before supper yesterday with 2+ litres of water plus my normal running around at work. 9.4 at bedtime after small snack and 4 units of Lantus. 8 this morning at 5am. Smoothie (45g) and 45 mins on the stationary bike= 10.9 then 13.3 ad hour later. (I had 1/2 unit for breakfast dose). I am angry now that it is 13 but I am trying to be gentle with myself. I can work on this.

 

OK, back on track. My BG has been high the last few days (days off from work) and I have been overeating so I am back on the stationary bike this morning. Gotta try and do 45mins.
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BG still high after 45 mins on the bike. I have a feeling part of that is still because of the beer the other night.
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Down to 10.9 before lunch. 45g at lunch and took 2 units. When I was on track with exercise it would’ve been 1/2 unit. Fuck.
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Worried I won’t be able to do the bike tour. I want a week off. I’m really tired today- high BG doesn’t help.

Had a few beers tonight (over a few hours) and now my BG is 26.2. And I’ve taken my insulin. Alcohol fucks with my system so much now. I ate and I had extra food ‘cuz the last couple times I drank my BG dropped. Not tonight.

Fuck this. I want to be normal again. I don’t want to have to think about it. I am so tired of thinking and so tired of worrying all the time.
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I’ve always wanted to be normal. I am up past bedtime drinking water, water, water to bring that BG down. I am tired of fighting with and always being surprised by my body. I feel like I can’t let go anymore, that I always have to be ‘on’.
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Is 26 the highest I’ve ever been? This is so fucked. It’s midnight now and I’m down to 20. I’ll check it overnight when I get up to pee.

This disease is so frustrating/scary/heartbreaking.

Admitting I have a disease is heartbreaking. My brain still calls it a ‘condition’.