October 9

This is really hard. Another crash today at work, doing massage this time. 2.9mmol. Ate an hour and a half before, but I realize now, not the full serving I had portioned out and planned for- I wasn’t really hungry and felt full so I didn’t finish it. 4dex tabs got it up to 3 something. The office manager cancelled my other two massage treatments for me.
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It was embarrassing and yet somehow I felt a disconnect from it. I feel disconnected from a lot of this, like it’s happening to someone else or it’s all an experiment I don’t really have to take seriously. Problem is, I have to take it very seriously. Not that I have to walk around being all sullen but I need to make my body and my health my number one priority. I have never really put myself first. That may be part of where this disconnect is coming from… and it’s fuckin’ scary to be in it, so disengaging is a safe place to be. If I’m not present, I don’t really feel it, I don’t take it as seriously. How do I make myself my top priority and be present in this?
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3a.m. BG 5.6. It was 6.4 an hour ago. So I just got up and had toast and peanut butter. That’s what I rely on to keep me steady- toast and pb. Maybe that’s what I’ll call the blog. Haha!