Author: leannah

March 10

Just started antibiotics for my ingrown toenail that won’t heal. It’s not getting worse or better and it’s been that way for about 2 weeks now. Also started probiotics ‘cuz I really don’t need a yeast infection on top of infected toenail.

So much to do still with the move. Feel so much more at home here. Gonna try and sleep and then go get stuff done at the old place.

February 29

I was thinking about how tired I am of doing math every time I want to eat. And I am amazed that this process is already ‘built in’ to non-diabetics, and done better than we can do manually. No big spikes or crashes. No guessing – the pancreas just does it. Gets me thinking about all the organs, when they’re healthy, just go along doing their thing.

Without getting into all the specific hormone actions, think about the basics. The heart beats regularly. The lungs exchange oxygen for carbon dioxide.. My body is beating and breathing and digesting…

We are amazing. My body, even with it’s little deficiencies, amazes me.

But I still don’t like having to do math when I eat.

February 27

Lowest low tonight. Felt a bit wobbly when I was getting ready for my shower, then a little drunken stumble so decided to check.

2.4

I miscalculated at supper. I relied on a recipe calculator rather than what was in my bowl. Plus I have been running high for days so I tried 1 unit: 15g instead of 1 unit: 20g. Bad combo.

Hard to move at that low. Shoveled food in (tummy ache now). Sweaty! Shaky. Long half an hour to get above 7. Scary shit.

At 10mmol when I took my Lantus- had an orange just then too, just to be safe. Am exhausted now and it’s barely 8:30pm. Maybe a bit of tea and then sleep.

February 21

It’s been a long week.

I realized this weekend that I need to take the full bolus dosing at meals on days off. Usually at work I’ll take a full 1 or 1/2 unit less because I know I’ll run it off. (Say a meal is 45g of carbs, I’ll take 1 unit instead of 2- my ratio is 1unit:20g right now). But on days off I am not as active. I worked a post-lunch high of 16mmol off with the stationary bike today but still high 2 hrs after supper (17.5). I`m not worried right now ‘cuz I still have to take the Lantus, which will drop it a bit overnight.

February 4

Got a temp full time line in Assisted Living- busy, lots to learn. Feeling overwhelmed. I think I am depressed, or have a tv addiction- I disappear into tv without even noticing and let everything pile up. And it doesn’t bother me.

Feeling potential in a new place to live- a little cabin over in Harrop, next door to a good friend of mine. Beautiful spot and having someone I know so close is a really big relief.

January 16

The needle slides into my skin, I feel it puncture and pinch. I anticipate it every time. A deep breath every time.

But I don’t feel instant relief. I don’t feel any change. Nothing sudden to make me know it’s working.
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3 cookies before lunch and BG at lunch is 26.9! Fuck! 4units of correction with lunch. Not being at work I am not moving around as much… and not as stressed.
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I want to eat but I know I’m not really hungry, I’m bored and stressed about stuff. Have already been told that I am barely working enough to keep my health benefits and now might have to miss Monday to deal with cat at the vet.

It’s total bullshit that I am terrified of missing work so I don’t lose my health insurance. So fucked. Feel like I am barely living a life now.

January 8

Head pounding since before I woke up and I feel slightly nauseous. Just got my pay stub, which will cover rent, but then estimate next one will only be maybe a third of that… I’m so fucked I don’t even know what to do with myself. My income this month is less than double my rent. Rent is almost 2/3 of it and that’s not even including utilities.

I don’t know what to do. I’m fucked and I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do. Go back to exhaustion working 2 jobs? I know I am getting out of this lease in a few months but… I thought I could do this. I thought things were gonna be way different.

I’m scared I’m not going to be able to find an affordable place to live. I am trying to stay open-minded about changes but I am also holding on so hard because I am watching everything fall apart and I can’t do anything to stop it right now. How can I have even small daydreams of where I want my life to be when I can’t even support myself right now. I had myself set up for this big, wonderful (scary) change- new job opportunities and new places to live and now 4 months in I feel desperate and alone and overwhelmed.

I do blame the diabetes, or my body’s own betrayal of itself, of me. I only have me and the body I am relying on is now saying it can’t work as hard and definitely isn’t able to keep up with the work schedule I had in the summer.