May 2

Quarterly blood work back:

ferritin= 27ug/L. That’s a drop for me from 36ug/L at the last round of blood work in the winter even though I am taking a supplement. (From all the info I have been given the optimal level is around 80ug/L).

A1C 8.2%. Creeping up even with exercise.

No wonder I am feeling shitty!

But why? That’s my question. I can’t fix the low iron without knowing what the cause is. And the A1C? I have the Team meeting in 2 weeks so I’ll ask their advice on anything else I could try. I’m exercising when I can (and I walk everyday to and from work) and eating well. When I snack extra I bolus to cover. I don’t understand!

 

April 9

Did a bunch of rearranging in the apartment today- feels better, space used better.

Got a call from the Diabetes Clinic- it’s time for my annual “Team” meeting. (That’s with the diabetes specialist, the nurse and the dietician). I do look forward to these check ins but I don’t feel good about where I am right now. I feel I should be stronger and healthier but I can’t explain the exhaustion.

I could do stuff before- that first year after my diagnosis I did the fucking Glacier Challenge ride! Now, 20 minutes on the elliptical is exhausting and I have to stop 10 mins in to rest. Iron was coming up in last blood work but I still feel like crap. But it’s hard to figure out a cause for low grade ‘crappiness’.

April 3

Today was hard. I couldn’t shelter myself (does that make sense?).

I felt distant from everyone. At work I could hide it away but today the diabetes felt raw. Today was a day it caught me off- guard and hurt…

It’s 9pm and I’m exhausted and angry. Being exhausted can’t be the new normal, right? I can’t add massage back into my life when I’m like this. Exercise isn’t energizing me anymore, it’s totally wiping me out.

March 21

I keep putting off so many things..

I think I am a little afraid to renew my RMT license. I feel like I failed myself with it before, when I decided to let it go a couple of years ago (the winter after my diagnosis).

But I miss it. Even though there are so many hoops to jump through this year to reinstate it, I miss the calm and the confidence. I miss my hands just knowing what to do.

I am afraid of failing at it again, though. I am in a better place now and I have more control and understanding of my disease but I don’t want to be exhausted all the time.

February 10

(Teaching A New Body Old Tricks…)

Late afternoon/evening cross country ski with a friend (after an already lovely lunch and visit with another friend). The ski was kind of last minute decision. And not just up to the Rail Trails but out to the ski area at Apex/Busk.

I was really nervous heading up. Excited, but nervous. Worried about BG tanking, part of me wanting to cancel. ‘What ifs’ piling up in my head- what if BG crashed, what if I couldn’t keep up, etc…

Well, I crashed within the first 10mins. Not my BG, but me, physically. Ski tips crossed on a downhill corner and down I went. But it was kind of a slow motion fall, like maybe I planned it, because I could’ve stayed up if I’d tried a bit harder. But the falling was good. Made the ‘scary’ go away and brought me back to earth, literally.

I fell a few more times but laughed them off (even though my hip and my tailbone aren’t laughing now).

We skied from the Busk parking lot down to the Euphrates Warming Hut (5-6km loop). We stopped there for tea, as some previous skiers had blessed us by starting the woodstove so it was cozy in the little A-frame. Dusk was leaning toward dark when we headed back. I was thankful my friend had brought a headlamp- I couldn’t see very far ahead but it made a circle of light right in front of me, so I just trusted the tracks. (Insert deep, philosophical thoughts here 😉 ).

Dark, quiet forest and a sky full of stars.

I was tired on the way back and asked for help getting a juice box out of my pack. (I discovered later I didn’t need it, BG had been good the whole time, it was just endorphins and adrenaline).

But that’s right, I asked for help. And I am proud of myself for doing that.

Now it’s 7:30pm and I’m just about to have dinner. And it’s ok to be off my schedule once in a while. It was wonderful and empowering to push myself out of my comfort zone again.

February 6

Went to the movies last night with some folks from work. Kind of decided at the last minute (which meant I had to change up my schedule! Gasp!).

It was really great. I went home after work and had dinner and then went back out. Pushed me out of my comfort zone in a really nice way.

Had a drop this morning though. 4.4, then drop to 3.9 within 15mins, so 4 dex tabs and start breakfast and BAM!- 20 mins later I’m at 10.6. No wonder I have a headache now.

January 30

Would you be surprised if one day I said I WASN’T tired? Hahaha!

I’m tired today. And fucking tired of it.

I’m exercising regularly, eating healthy, sleeping 7-9 hrs a night and still feeling shitty (tired, overwhelmed easily, lack of concentration..).

I don’t want to believe that this is the ‘new’ normal. It can’t be, right? That I just have to live like this?

I’m disappointed with my body because I never used to feel this broken. I remember volunteering on top of working full time. And yes, there were some days it was a tiring, long day but now sometimes just making it through the work day is a challenge. I’d love to go back to volunteering a bit, and even back to doing a bit of massage therapy, but I really dont know if I can manage with how I feel now.

I want bed. Eyes tired. Brain full up. Feel like a big mess.

January 27

Ok. New day.

Gonna go out and do some chores this morning.

I want to start trying a little harder. But, along with that, I also want my life back. I want to stop being afraid to do things.

I’m working on a chart/calendar for the next month that shows daily exercise, carb totals, rapid insulin totals and highest and lowest BGs. If I have it up to see I think I can monitor better. Not that I have to be totally strict but just so I can see it easily and see if I’m staying within range.

I’ll try it out for February and see how it goes…