Author: leannah

January 26

A1C 8.1

Ferritin 36.

Just frustrated and angry. I know, I know, I should be happy with these- A1C has come down and ferritin has gone up but both feel so incremental. I feel like the last few months I have been working so hard but maybe I haven’t been. I mean, I’m exercising more but am I really watching my diet?

Fuck.

January 22

Fretting about A1C- need to go for my 3 month check sometime this week. This morning fasting BG is 14.4!! That’s after 8.7 when I checked in the middle of the night. I know some of that is ‘dawn phenomenon’ but what the hell?!

So tired of it right now, tired of the constant monitoring.

Also worrying about my iron level. (It’s the stored iron, or ferritin, that’s low). Hoping that is coming up, even though I still feel tired and low energy most of the time. No more dizzy spells though, so that’s a bonus. What caused it to go low? Will I have to supplement forever now? So frustrating.

Getting wound up about the bloodwork. Just have to let it go and just see where things are at.

January 13

It snowed lightly all day yesterday and by last night I was thinking about taking myself up to the Rail Trail today, to get back on my cross-country skis.

I haven’t been out on them since before my diagnosis.

I’m not a huge fan of winter- I don’t like being cold, I don’t like the grey days when the clouds don’t lift out of the valley here.

But I’m trying really hard this year to make the most of it (basically because I am afraid of sliding into the blackness I was in last winter).

So, this morning I went out. I bundled up and backed up my small backpack with more than enough emergency supplies (2 juice boxes, a pb sandwich, starburst candies and my water bottle) and walked up to the trail.

The Rail Trail is less than a 10 min. walk from where I’m living. It used to be the railroad through town years ago (hence, the name). The railroad itself has been taken off the bed so now it is a wide trail that runs across the top of town. Perfect for walking and cycling and skiing.

I was really nervous heading out- it’s always that way with a new activity- that’s why I over-prepped.

But it was wonderful!

I forgot how much of a workout cross country skiing is.

I had a BG of 11.6 when I was about to leave the house so I ate half a power bar (20g). Half an hour in I checked and was 5.9. Pb sandwich (24g) came in handy,(even though the dog I had met up there was hoping I was giving handouts). Skied the half hour back, which was very slightly downhill-sloped, and when I got home was 5.8 (and sore in place I had forgotten I had muscles!).  

 

 

November 20

Why has my BG been diving the last 4 days around 5am? It’s super frustrating.

Have been feeling guilty about testing extra lately. The ‘extras’ have mostly been overnight and early morning. Even though with my health plan I have more leeway, I always think about the government restrictions (when only receiving Fair Pharmacare etc.) of ‘3000 strips a year’, which is such total bullshit.

I have another ingrown toenail- same toe as always. Getting pretty tired of it.

November 13

Tomorrow is World Diabetes Day and I just found out the ‘theme’ this year is a focus on women and diabetes.

Cool. I’m a woman, and I have diabetes!

So, here I am, eating toast at 7:30pm and shaking just a bit.. yes, the shakes are from an “almost” low I had nearly an hour ago and it wasn’t even really low, it was only 4.6. However, that was before the 15 minute walk home from work up a fairly steep incline. (Just so you know, 25g of chocolate got me home with a BG of 6.2).
…anyway…  I am eating my toast because I just did my lantus dose and can’t trust going to bed at a 6.2 and I got to thinking about what diabetes means to me.

So what does it mean to me?
I don’t know sometimes.
It means I have a chronic illness but I also have to remind myself that it does not define who I am (no matter how much of my time it takes up).
It means I do math all the time. Like, literally- All. The. Time.
It means sometimes I can’t control the cranky, worried, spaced-out feelings without having to manage the high or a low that brought them on.
It means I am always learning about this disease and about myself.
It means I know how good I feel when I exercise.

And being a woman with diabetes?
I am so thankful to be living where I am and where I have access to proper healthcare.
I know the night sweats that sometimes wake me up could be because of a low BG, but could also be because of where I am in my menstrual cycle.
I know that sometimes I fall victim to trying to fit into society’s ideal of what a “healthy” woman ‘should’ look like, even though it’s bullshit.

So, what do I picture when I think of my diabetes?

Sometimes you gotta make a sandwich…

Yes, yes, all the usual lancets and needles and test strips… and gouging my way into the new peanut butter to make that ‘carb and protein’ snack to stabilize me.

… but also just the normal stuff. Like sitting at a messy kitchen table with my laptop, while my cat tries to get my attention.

 

But these are the most important things I know:

I know I am strong.
I know I am alive.

November 5

Extra day off today. Was supposed to be going to a CPR course day but it got cancelled so I’m going to go out for lunch with a friend. It’s been nice having a three-day weekend this week, lots of time to rest and write and think.

Also, I’ve been exploring some of the diabetes related podcast out there. It really helps. It feels like a connection to others that ‘get it’. It also is reminding me again that it’s ok. It’s all ok. It’s ok to say it’s hard and be vulnerable when I need to be, to be honest with others and more importantly with myself.

October 31

Slept 8hrs last night. Been sleeping lots the last few days- off work, sick with low grade stomach bug. Eating enough and staying in range, mostly sleeping and resting… what was that about being good to me? Ok, ok, taking the time now, when I need to, to rest and get better.