Author: leannah

January 22

12.9 this morning. Now I’m crying. So tired of fighting with my body. Diabetic clinic visit this week- What’ll they say? Work harder? Fuck. I’m eating really well (sometimes a couple of treats but overall really fucking healthy) and I’ve been exercising 4x/wk for the last 2 weeks.

Ok, so obviously now I see I should’ve done that correction last night (BG 14) but I didn’t want to deal with getting up in the middle of the night to potentially manage a low. I guess there wouldn’t have been one. Fuck. OK, gonna eat and then get on the bike.

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6.2 after bike and before drive to work. After that, the rest of the day was over 9 or 10… so tired of this.

January 15

BG 5.5 this morning at 5am. I’ve been exercising for the last 3 days. Feels good but frustrating with highs into the 10s or teens for no reason. Less carbs feels good too – around 150g/day.

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About 100g today and BG wouldn’t go below 9 today. Dropped to 5 after cycling this morning but then once I ate again, it went up and stayed around 9. Exercising is feeling great but I feel like it’s not having the same effect it had in the summer. I know a stationary bike is different because I’m not also maintaining balance etc but still, I am not feeling like exercising is having any lasting effects on my body/BG right now. Increasing lantus from 5 to 5.5.

January 3

Weird, heavy dreams.

2:30am, BG 6.9. Had a snack of 10g. Usually drops between 2am and 6am. Now, at 6am is 8.9mmol.

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I just did 3omins of hard cycling after pbj sandwich. BG is 15.3mmol. I know it’ll down eventually. I know this but I am so fucking tired of this disease. And now, because I did my exercise in the evening, will it drop overnight more or should I have cycled longer to bring it down more?

January 1

BG 10mmol at 3am. 12.6 this morning at 9am. Why? Dunno.

Slept really well (of course, cuz my BG was high). Pulled my snowshoes out of the shed yesterday. I’m not the best at getting outside in the winter but maybe today…

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I drifted up into the forest this morning. Up the hill to the head of the Mill Lake Trail, along a path where my neighbours walk their dogs, boot and paw prints in the snow.

It’s easier to see through the trees in the winter, and also easier to be seen. Nothing can hide in that snow-filled space.

Trees squeaked high above me head as the wind pushed and pulled at them, brushing them against the white sky.

I really wasn’t used to that exertion, especially trudging through snow, but it felt good to make my lungs work a bit harder.

And then I realized I hadn’t brought any of my ‘anchors’ with me- a snack, my glucometer- all at home. It is so completely freeing and also makes that big, red alarm light starting blinking in my head. The road is just within sight still and I am a 15min walk from home, the alarm isn’t sounding yet, but it’s warming up. Nothing to be drastically concerned about.. besides, I have one package of Halloween candy that I found buried deep in a pocket, just in case..

I walked a little further up. Another few minutes to where the trail bends again. I take stock. My limbs are tired from climbing the steep slope in the snow, but it’s a good-tired, not a fumbly, lack of brain-power tired. My BG had been running high for a day or so before so I am really not afraid. But I turn around and head back down. It is a quick and easy walk back to the cabin, downhill all the way. I was a little upset I wasn’t more prepared and couldn’t keep going but it’s ok for today. Just that little walk felt so wonderful and calming.

December 31

It’s the sleepiness of highs I don’t like. Sleepy and foggy-headed.

The sharpened buzz of endorphins is so much better to relax me than the drifting fog of alcohol (which used to relax me).

I’m thinking about that today because it’s New Year’s Eve and that’s what everyone does, right? Drink the new year in.

Right now the desire to drink is so small.

I remember the sick/sleepy feeling of a bad high but also the out-of-control feeling of being drunk (or even buzzed) and equating that drunk feeling to having a low. It’s not fun anymore, it’s more scary than anything else.

I know I will be eating a lot of carbs tonight but I am trying to be gentle with myself too because I have been looking forward to this evening for weeks. I will bolus correctly but I am also afraid (as always) of taking too much insulin…

December 27

Frustrated that I miscalculated at dinner and now am 18.3 2hrs after eating. And even though I am trying to limit my carbs I am having over 150g/day the last few days. I am supposed to be getting ‘back on track’.

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I feel like I waste so much time cuz I am always distracted by this fucking disease. Every time I feel the slightest change in my body I wonder if I am running high or low and it’s so frustrating. Recovering from running high is so hard, especially when one of the symptoms is exhaustion so try adding exercise in when you are dragging yourself around.

Now I just sound whiny. This is why I feel like I detach from thinking (about the disease, life, whatever..) so often.. I sometimes (often, mostly..) feel like I have no control over my body…

December 26

Needed correction dose at bedtime due to 18mmol (after big holiday meal). I have modified the calculation the nurse gave me initially for bedtime corrections but last night I took a bit more (cuz I have eaten A LOT the last couple days, and with wine etc. my BG is lingering high) and still set my 3am alarm to make sure I don’t die.

3am is 15.

7:45am is 14.4

Blerg. Ok, so, holiday fun is over, time to help my body get better.

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Lowest I got today was 8.2 a while after supper, before I drove home from work. Rest of the day it was 12 or higher. 145g carbs. I am pushing my next A1C back to mid-February to give myself a bit more time to get back on track. Also, I just started a chart (posted in my kitchen) to post highest and lowest daily BG- if I can see it then I feel like I have more control/ more ability to work on changing it..