Author: leannah

BG 12.9 this morning.

What the fuck? I’m so tired of the guessing game. Yeah, yeah, I need to come to terms with this disease, it’s a part of me, blah, blah, blah… So tired of it. Guess I’m going for a walk this morning.

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Walk and another hour wait and down to 10.4. Like the walk did absolutely nothing. Wanna cry. So frustrating. Crawling back into bed for a bit. I get it, I have to become this super active person, right? Great. Right now I’m tired and frustrated and don’t care.

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Dosed correctly and even got on the stationary bike this afternoon. Had a snack at 7:30pm and now it’s 16 at 9pm. Took the lantus (4.5units) but gonna do a correction dose of the rapid. Not doing the full correction dose cuz I am terrified of crashing overnight.

I just wanted to have a couple beers and some chips on my ‘Friday’, like a normal person. Now my BG is 24 and I’m ready for bed and feel like an asshole. I don’t feel a buzz from the beer, I just feel bloated and stupid. And I now have to make sure I get up in the middle of the night to check my BG in case it drops.

And I was having a pretty good day of numbers before that.

How do I change my mindset?

BG of 7.1 at 9pm would be great of it didn’t drop overnight. So I just had pbj toast. I have had so many carbs today. Fuck. Hard when some days I just feel the ‘why bothers?’ and others I can be really good to myself. Fuck.

Trying to work on BG more, to get it in better range. A1C 3 weeks ago was 8.5, up from 8.1 the three months before. I’ve noticed the last couple of days that I feel kind of ‘low’ when I’m at 6 (lightheaded..), which isn’t good. I’ve been living around 8-10 because I am afraid of going too low (and I am fighting with myself around eating healthier and sometimes sabotaging my own efforts… ah, the ongoing cycle…). But I gotta do this, I need to spend more time at 6.

Dr called and wants to see me cuz my A1C is creeping up- up to 8.5. Got the call at work on my break and have been wanting to cry since then. Been crying since I left town. I’ve had a hard time managing lately. Duh.

Dr said 8.5 isn’t emergency high but is higher than it should be. I know. I know I need to be exercising regularly again. I know I need to be managing my carbs better.

My priority now has to be my health. For real now. My food and exercise. And that will (hopefully) improve my energy level.

Starburst wrappers are really hard to open during a low. 3.7 and I only feel a bit shaky. Not cool body, not cool. Fumbling, clumsy…

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Snack after my low and obviously over treated. Radio was on and I fell asleep after my snack. Tested after nap= 22.8. Ha ha. Fuck. ‘Sleep’ was probably more like ‘passing out’. I know all of the tools and I am tired of managing. It’s very hard right now.

When will I have enough energy to do anything extra? I mean, I feel better than I did doing nursing- I actually did a bunch of cooking and puttering this weekend! But what about volunteering? Can I fit massage back into my schedule ever? I feel tired all the time. I’m trying to get back into exercising but the motivation is non-existent.

Ok, gonna be really vigilant today and see if there’s any improvement. BG 14 at 9:30am – full dose plus correction at breakfast. Now it’s 11am and I’m at 15.6. Maybe I’ll get on the bike? I don’t know what else to do. I just switched vials, I’ll see if that changes anything. Sleepy. Ketones are fine.

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So unfocused. No concentration.

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Was all excited and hopeful today- with the changes of the vials. Dosed correctly, biked… tonight took 4.5 lantus and had my last snack (pb toast=30g). Two hours later my BG is fucking 17.

So fucking angry and frustrated. I’ll do 5units tomorrow for sure. I feel like a fuckin failure- I can’t manage anything. Am sabotaged by my own fuckin body every fucking day.

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I don’t wish this disease on anyone but I wish there was a way to explain how draining the management part can be. And how easily a number can destroy your mood and how much you feel failed and betrayed by your own body. I can’t think ahead to make plans with people because sometimes the day or the night before might have been exhausting/ or that sometimes I need to be at home cuz I am feeling fragile. How do I explain that to someone without sounding weak?

Like right now, it’s 10pm and I’m about to check my BG again. I know I only took the correction dose half an hour ago but I’m exhausted and want to go to sleep. And I still have to go get that A1C done…

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10pm and it’s 19….

I don’t want to deal today. Debt collectors calling too. Good timing- already ready to cry again. How could I even consider working two jobs again? I can’t. I can’t do what I used to be able to do- my body gets exhausted so easily.

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BG at 13 tonight. Took 4.5 of lantus. I gardened and cooked all day today, no sitting around and my BG was never below 11. I don’t know what else to do. Banana bread for snack tonight.

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9:50pm and I’m at 22. FUCK. Just did 2 units correction (calculation said to do 2.5 but I am terrified of that much overnight.). I’ll do tomorrow a bit different- some leg injections again? and maybe 5units of lantus?

14.4 overnight. 12.8 this morning. Gonna have toast in a minute. And dose full amount and correction. Might park at the mall and walk up to work- about 15min walk.

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3 units at breakfast- full coverage. 1.5 hrs later, I’m at 16. Not gonna fuckin cry again. Gotta leave for work.