Author: leannah

October 24

Making tea. Tired. Woke up late so now all the insulin will be late? Can’t do supper late and I don’t feel like eating now. Headache from sleeping heavy. Feel run over.

I feel like I’m just going through the motions- my brain can’t think anything… I’m overwhelmed and can’t even cope with basic stuff right now. I really do feel alone in all this. I need help.
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When it’s low but not bad, but low enough that it could drop overnight, I just feel like going to bed. My brain is saying don’t do that but my body is tired and really convincing- oh, it’s fine, I won’t drop overnight.
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Evening shifts I feel like I have to combat my BG with food. I’m overeating a lot it seems, because I’m having low-ish numbers a lot more. And I’m working too much.

October 22

So how do I manage sometimes? This is why it feels overwhelming – shift at the nursing home and get a call that a resident is on the floor and as I am striding down the hall to her room I get the hollow feeling and start sweating. We get her in bed and then I allow myself to go check my BG. (Yes, I know I said my first priority should be me…)

So, I’m 3.8, downing dextabs and shaking and sweating and shoving trail mix in my mouth – oh and I can’t think clearly and have to go back down and do vital signs for my resident.

How do I balance? How do I make it work? I don’t know and it’s frustrating.

October 20

This is what crashes feel like for me…

I’ve started to notice the subtle shaky feeling. It’s an internal shakiness and at the same time I can’t concentrate or write properly or think clearly. (Like right now, typing is very difficult, making my fingers hit the right letters is complicated).

Then the blood glucose check. Today’s was 3.8mmol. Then I panic a bit, and that doesn’t help. And usually I feel a little drunk – chatty and clumsy and kinda stupid so setting up the glucometer can be hard.

So, in goes the sugar at that point. 4 or 5 lifesavers, 3 or 4 dex tabs, or honey or sugar or whatever you have. Then recheck and if it’s going up have a protein snack. (Although today I had my sugar and immediately followed it with toast and peanut butter.) Now it is back up to 5.6mmol. I’m still shaky and getting a bit of a headache. Will have a bit more protein- cheese or pb or something. The crash is tiring, I mean, I can still function after but my body needs to recharge.

That knife edge of 5-8mmol is a tricky place to stand. I haven’t woken up with a crash, or had one in the middle of the night- the idea of that scares me enough so that I always check before bed and make sure it’s above 8mmol.

Still have the wobbly, shaky/buzzing feeling half an hour later.

Now I get to pull myself together and make supper…

October 17

This week my skin hurts.

Each lancet and needle, I feel tender. I cringe and take a deep breath.

My skin aches with the thought of one more time. This week my skin hurts.

Tired of bruised fingers, from each glucometer check. Each one, I cringe and have to take a deep breath.

And then the dosing. My skin aches with the thought of one more time. I feel my body could start weeping from all these tiny holes.

And it goes on and I measure my days by this. And I measure my life with this.

I am thankful, gracious for the ability to manage it, but this week my skin aches.

October 11

Drove down to the Okanagan to visit my dad- scary to do on my own but I did it!!

Started talking to him about diabetes stuff. This evening we both had a crash at the same time and both to 2.9. Then after our sugar and snack both retested to 6.4. I felt like he was holding back talking but having the crash together kind of ‘broke the ice’- we were jittery and shaky together.

October 10

It’s 4am and I’m lying here hoping my blood sugar level won’t drop before its time to get up. Three weeks ago I was asleep in the hospital- my first night’s stay after an ER visit and diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. Three weeks ago I had already done my first two insulin dose injections…

It seems strange still. And strange to know an event is life changing as it’s happening.

 

October 9

This is really hard. Another crash today at work, doing massage this time. 2.9mmol. Ate an hour and a half before, but I realize now, not the full serving I had portioned out and planned for- I wasn’t really hungry and felt full so I didn’t finish it. 4dex tabs got it up to 3 something. The office manager cancelled my other two massage treatments for me.
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It was embarrassing and yet somehow I felt a disconnect from it. I feel disconnected from a lot of this, like it’s happening to someone else or it’s all an experiment I don’t really have to take seriously. Problem is, I have to take it very seriously. Not that I have to walk around being all sullen but I need to make my body and my health my number one priority. I have never really put myself first. That may be part of where this disconnect is coming from… and it’s fuckin’ scary to be in it, so disengaging is a safe place to be. If I’m not present, I don’t really feel it, I don’t take it as seriously. How do I make myself my top priority and be present in this?
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3a.m. BG 5.6. It was 6.4 an hour ago. So I just got up and had toast and peanut butter. That’s what I rely on to keep me steady- toast and pb. Maybe that’s what I’ll call the blog. Haha!

October 7

Just had my lowest low so far: 3.3mmol. and at the same time trying to help a resident off the floor and back into bed, meanwhile I’m shakey, sweating and slightly nauseous – came on really quickly. Scary to think I am the one that has to be ‘in charge’ and could be having an incident at the same time. Got her back into bed then I left and downed 4 dextabs. 15 minutes later up to 4.6. Sat with yoghurt and granola bar. Will check again in 10 but I already feel less shakey, less disoriented. Scary. But I was prepared too.