Author: leannah

Diabetic clinic meeting – Doctor switching me to Lantus from NPH, once in the evenings. I start it tonight.
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Looking up Lantus and what I need to know about it.

It is more efficient at stabilizing but it’s more expensive so of course, people aren’t started on it first thing. The doctor had to put in a ‘special authority’ submission so I can get coverage for it. So stupid. I don’t understand why people that need meds to live have to pay for them??! It’s not like it’s a choice. I feel like I’m sometimes ‘hardening’ towards ‘healthy’ people. “Oh? Your life is so hard? Now be your own pancreas and do that! Fuck you! ”
And I know that’s terrible to say- everyone has their own problems and journey and pain. I really do try my best to be compassionate and remember that we’re all going through our own thing.

Another quiet day. It’s dark and I’m alone but feeling ok tonight.

BG last night (around midnight) was 11, and that was before I had 2 pc of pb toast. Woke up this morning at 7am because I forgot to turn off my alarm. I was on the toilet and feeling a little woozy so checked= 2.8!!. The woozy didn’t wake me, my alarm did, by accident. What if my alarm hadn’t been set? That the hell? This is really fucking scary. Spoonful of honey and up to 4.3. Pbj sandwich , 6.5 now at 7:30am but afraid to go back to sleep. This is exhausting and it’s all I can think about… How is this fucking fair?
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I went back to sleep and slept hard til 10:30. BG 10.0 at 11am. I feel defeated but I am trying so hard to look positively at things. Right now I’m trying to figure out how to eat 3 servings of carbs for lunch when I don’t feel like eating.
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Back down to 3.4 before lunch. 3 carb servings, 2 units rapid. Now I have to go for my performance review at work. Fucking awesome. I’m having a terrible day. Maybe she’ll fire me.
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She forgot it was today. Great.

The thing that scares me the most is having a low while I’m sleeping. I don’t even like to think about it. This morning I’m 4.4, which at work I would feel a little shaky warning but I just woke up tired and groggy, as usual. That would warrant a snack but this morning I can only manage honey in my tea. I mean, I could eat right away, if I had to, if it was even lower.
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I was reading yesterday about hypoglycemic complacency- where you stop feeling the lows. that’s scary!! So even though I say I feel disconnected, I still do worry about lows overnight. I have memories of it happening to my dad, of having to call my mom to come over ‘cuz dad won’t wake up.
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I live alone. What if I crashed overnight and couldn’t get up?
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I had to stop writing to eat. I had to stop writing because my body- no, not even- my blood sugar is in control, not me. They say take control, don’t live for your diabetes/insulin, live and make the diabetes/insulin fit around your life– haha! Fuckin’ funny! I have barely got a handle on it most of the time and I feel like I’m floundering, like I’m going through the motions. I can barely make sense of the food labels most of the time and then I forget I can also have half servings. But really if I did that I’d have a crash the way things are now. Most days I still feel like I am eating too much and only in an effort to combat the amount of insulin I am taking. I’ve gained 10lbs in about 6 weeks from all this ‘healthy eating’.

Carb counting fuck up then crash. I don’t get why it’s so hard.
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Realizations about carb types/amounts and glycemic index- trying to wrap my head around it. And taking control of my insulin – like taking a bit less and doing some light exercise to make up for the rest. I can’t keep covering for too much insulin by eating anymore – need to eat what my body needs and then exercise and insulin to cover it.

For the last few years, I’ve been one of those people that makes work a priority over life. I take extra shifts, I try and work as much as I can… and I fight with it. I have known for months that my life is suffering. My actual life – the fun living part – is disappearing.

And then I get diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I’m not trying to be morbid but it changed things, made me more desperate to feel like my life was mine, and not an infinite length of work days… like I wasn’t only working more and more and more…

So the last month I have been feeling desperate and overwhelmed and realizing that I can’t do it anymore. That working two jobs isn’t worth it.

But in saying that, I also felt stuck and couldn’t admit to myself that it was time to say no. I have been driven to tears and anger in the last few weeks, because of this realization. Knowing that saying ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’ was the right decision but felt like admitting weakness, even though I knew it would be the thing to allow my life to start.

Last Friday I quit one of my jobs. Man, I thought it was hard admitting to myself that I couldn’t do it but saying it out loud to the clinic owner, that was hard.

But he understood, he knows what has been happening in my life so he totally got it. Just the fact that I know my time is slowly becoming my own is such a relief.

Diabetic team meeting this morning. Went well but I feel (and felt, going in) completely overwhelmed. Wish tears didn’t make my eyes red – I’ve been leaking all day… Feel embarrassed that everything feels overwhelming, that I can’t keep up… I want to go home, I can’t handle things. How much help can I ask for? How much time can I have, to adjust or mourn or be overwhelmed? I need help. I need time. I need more time for me.

On the verge of tears all day. I can’t do this but I don’t have the balls to change things, like quitting one of my jobs. What is wrong with me?

Awake at 5a.m. BG 12.2. What?! Somehow I have no days off this week, which makes me want to cry.
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It’s that disconnect, that’s why I’m trying to work all the time, so I don’t have to be alone with myself. That’s why I disappear into tv-land when I do have days off. I need to get my life back. I need to start living.