Author: leannah

Slept ’til an almost crash: 4.0 at 9:30am…

Time to reconnect and get past the disconnect…
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Burst into tears trying to download something from my mom. Thinking about it makes me want to cry more. I can’t deal/cope/manage anything.
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Tried to sit and breathe for just 5 minutes and started crying again. Breath not going in deep, feels like there’s a block at the bottom of my ribcage. Back tight. Headache starting…. it’s ok to cry and I start up again.
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Today wasn’t too bad. Busy at work but performance review went really well…

Counselor this morning. Don’t feel like I need it, feel ‘meh’ today. Start of my very busy December about to begin. Don’t care. Don’t want to go. Want to call in sick and crawl back into bed.
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Felt like I wasn’t really paying attention. Talked about meditation and visualization techniques to get me reconnecting with myself. Part of me says “Yay! I’ll try it” the other part says “Meh. I couldn’t be bothered.” I’m tired and at work now- the first day of 5 in a row. Oh boy.
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Posted a few positive affirmations around the house even though I’m feeling like ‘why bother?’ and I don’t believe I deserve it right now. BG is 12.0 but I’m still gonna do a middle-of-the-night check, it makes me feel safer…

BG 6.8 this morning! Yay! No middle-of-the-night snack!!

Hard up/down day. Too tired to write.

Snow on everything this morning… called in sick to both jobs. Pissed some people off. Oh well… BG up to 6.6… Today is for me…

Well, I was aiming for a high this morning so I could go in to town first thing and do my fasting blood work for my 3 month A1C recheck. BG 12 something at bedtime, 3something this morning. Awesome.
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Made the call to the counseling service, and they referred me to a counselor in town. She should be calling me back in the next day or two. Over ate at supper. Feel bad about myself.
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I had 2 pieces of pb toast an hour ago and now my BG is 7.7. And now I am supposed to do the Lantus. We’ll see how overnight goes. Guess I should eat more? Ok, I’ll do a check overnight and if it’s low in the morning I’ll call the diabetic clinic- see if I should be decreasing Lantus or rapid? We’ll see…

Up at 4am to check: 4.9. Glad I did it but now I’m awake…

When I actually stop and think about what’s going on I really do feel like I can’t hang on. I need to call the counseling service… but I’m afraid they’ll say I’m fine and don’t need any help.

I do. I need help. I feel like I’m barely hanging on. I feel like I’m barely maintaining and I don’t care. I want to quit my other job… I feel so disconnected from so much of everything and life is zooming by. I don’t feel comfortable in my job but I’m going tomorrow and Sunday and it sucks and somehow I have to figure out how to make it better.
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I drank some wine tonight. I took 9units of Lantus 90mins ago so now it should’ve peaked at 8.5mmol, right? I really don’t want to wake myself up in the middle of the night… I’m afraid of having a low but I’ve also made myself wake up in the middle of the night every night this week. I don’t want to keep being afraid to sleep. But now that I’ve had the wine I feel like I’ve fucked everything up.
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…gonna do a middle-of-the-night wake up…