Author: leannah

July 29

Good ride today! Did the Blewett back road/ 49 Creek hill – hard but not impossible, although I did need to stop a couple times to catch my breath. The ride back was mostly downhill and I had had too much carbs during so when I got back to the car I was 16.4. Panicked a bit. With lunch and correction I was due to take 5 units but after exercise, BG can keep dropping for a bit. I probably should’ve taken 4.5 or even 4 but I didn’t, I took the full 5.

Now 2 hrs later and I just fought off a low of 3.6.

Oops.

July 16

I feel overwhelmed. In three weeks I’ll be 41. I don’t feel like I’m coping well with life. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I feel disconnected… I work and then recover from work. How is that a life? I’m depressed and tired. Am I still grieving for my diagnosis? Just writing that makes me feel vulnerable, alone, and then close myself down.
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I probably need counseling. I don’t feel like those last sessions really helped. How would she understand what I was going through? How could she even pretend to understand? Have I actually accepted my diagnosis? Without my acceptance can I really move through to healing?
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I can’t cope because I am trying to cope with the diabetes, that’s why. I’m trying to function like ‘normal’ and the normal I’ve known for 40 years has changed now. It’s hitting me more now because I remember last summer. Even though I didn’t know it at the time, last July was when my body was really beginning to show the symptoms. I remember being tired. Exhausted. Fighting so hard to not fall asleep during work.

July 13

Came home early from work. Coughing and chest tight.
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Being diabetic is hard. It’s actually really fucking hard. But it’s not impossible, I know there’s a lot of diseases and conditions that are challenging too…. There’s a lot more we know about it and a lot of support and support for it. I want to be the best diabetic I can be and not let it dictate my life.

July 2

Sometimes it’s so disheartening. Toast and tea for breakfast with 1/2 unit less than full dose and 2 hrs later I’m sleepy and it’s 16.8.

(I often get scared of having a crash so I’ll take a little less insulin than what I’m supposed to… not the best way to do it.) 

I want to go back to bed- that’s how tired I am, even though I slept for 8 hrs last night. I know it’s the high BG. I just drank a litre of water. All these things to do today and all I want to do is sleep. And cry. Yesterday was so good, I was doing so good. It’s so frustrating and crazy-making getting used to this. My one change today than other days lately is that I didn’t exercise. I feel like like I already don’t have time today to do everything for the next few days. I can’t manage to do all of it. I can’t manage my life outside of managing my diabetes.
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Toenail infected again. Started soaking it in salt water last night. I was kind of waiting for this to happen because it hasn’t really been ‘better’ I have just been ignoring it…

June 30

Fuckin 3.8. And it’s my own fault and I know it.

Last night after work I had dinner and a couple beers with a friend. BG jumped to 15.6. And I knew it would drop so I had an extra 15g at bedtime.

And it was 6 when I got up.

Did my normal routine of tea and smoothie and dosed accordingly and correctly. 1.5hrs later I’m 3.8. And I didn’t even feel it coming. It’s Canada Day tomorrow. I can’t do alcohol anymore. I want to be able to- it’s fun once in a while but I just can’t. Gotta go check again after my emergency pbj.

June 26

It’s not all terrible. I know a lot of what I write is when I am feeling shitty but there are other times when I feel strong and determined. Like I am bigger than my disease. Got my BG down below 10 a few times today, by the end of the day. Running around at work, waterwaterwater, strict food intake. End of the shift was hard cuz my routine was thrown off- I ended up taking my Lantus late but it’s ok now.

Tiredness is hitting. With all my great BG work today, it’s a bit low for bed (6.8) so pbj (22g) and I’ll check it in the middle of the night when I get up to pee.

My dad loves to tell this story about how when I was a bratty teenager there was one day I made this grossed out comment about a pbj sandwich he was making for himself. I said something like ‘I would never put that much jam on a sandwich!!’ I get it now,dad!! I totally fuckin’ get it!!!

June 25

Trying to explain the feeling of not being able to cope. It’s like my brain is full and can’t put anymore in… I’m full up with managing the diabetes and then everything gets put on top of that and I’m overloaded. I can’t understand how people do it. I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown, when I have more than one thing to deal with in a day…